Rips in My Heart.
Hi. This is me. And I just want to stop breathing and feeling. I am at my rented room in Malaysia. Not in Da Nang, not in Bangkok and definitely not in Bandung. I am alone and I want to die.
Everybody feels this. The heartache of losing someone that you don't want to lose. The pain is familiar. It is not uncommon. But the terrible thing about it is that that pain cannot be shared. I will have people telling me that they are going through the same thing, but even then I can't relate. I want to stop hurting. I want to stop feeling.
You know sometimes where you feel like as if nothing could not be more perfect? I was in the car with Mr.CG. We were together for almost a year and a half. In the car, I felt happy. I told myself, so this is how it feels like. I felt that then, no one could disturb this happy bubble that we were in, no one could make me feel more content than him. I love him. I do, so much, even until now.
It hurts when I see them together. It hurts even more to realize that he doesn't love me. He doesn't love me. 4 simple words. Lethal as fuck. What is it about her that makes him go away? Why do we have systems like this? Why do we have situations like this in the world? How many people before me have ever been left for another woman? How do they cope because I couldn't.
I knew I was a monster. But so were you. We both had our bad stuffs. We both have different perspectives. But we both worked hard for this. Why did you leave me? Fuck you.
I am swinging back and forth from loving him to hating him. Both are intense emotions. I feel so raw so raw so raw all the time. I am a peeled potato. Why don't you love me?
The thing about time healing all wounds is bullshit. BULL fucking shit. Time makes you unaware, but it doesn't make you forget. Time makes you feel accustomed. Time settles you the best it could. But it doesn't make you forget.
I am drowning my sorrows in tons and tons of beer. And smoking weed like crazy. They are the best. They are the best. Simply thinking about what they do to me makes me feel better.
I am on the way to being drunk right now. I would have if I didn't have to stop and cry every few seconds.
Everybody feels this. The heartache of losing someone that you don't want to lose. The pain is familiar. It is not uncommon. But the terrible thing about it is that that pain cannot be shared. I will have people telling me that they are going through the same thing, but even then I can't relate. I want to stop hurting. I want to stop feeling.
You know sometimes where you feel like as if nothing could not be more perfect? I was in the car with Mr.CG. We were together for almost a year and a half. In the car, I felt happy. I told myself, so this is how it feels like. I felt that then, no one could disturb this happy bubble that we were in, no one could make me feel more content than him. I love him. I do, so much, even until now.
It hurts when I see them together. It hurts even more to realize that he doesn't love me. He doesn't love me. 4 simple words. Lethal as fuck. What is it about her that makes him go away? Why do we have systems like this? Why do we have situations like this in the world? How many people before me have ever been left for another woman? How do they cope because I couldn't.
I knew I was a monster. But so were you. We both had our bad stuffs. We both have different perspectives. But we both worked hard for this. Why did you leave me? Fuck you.
I am swinging back and forth from loving him to hating him. Both are intense emotions. I feel so raw so raw so raw all the time. I am a peeled potato. Why don't you love me?
The thing about time healing all wounds is bullshit. BULL fucking shit. Time makes you unaware, but it doesn't make you forget. Time makes you feel accustomed. Time settles you the best it could. But it doesn't make you forget.
I am drowning my sorrows in tons and tons of beer. And smoking weed like crazy. They are the best. They are the best. Simply thinking about what they do to me makes me feel better.
I am on the way to being drunk right now. I would have if I didn't have to stop and cry every few seconds.
posted by tolldoll at 11:35 PM
2 Comments:
Babe,
To hell with that man!
Stop that drinking and smoking. it is gonna destroy you
Dude, it's all the weed and booze that is amplifying your pain.
And I think you know that. So get off it.
There are other ways to drown sorrow. Not necessarily what you want to do, but you got to RUN.
Run until the only thing that matters is the pain in your chest and your sides, and then you'll realise this:
Only YOU matter. Fuck everyone.
Sides, the endorphines will do you good.
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