Facts, Fiction and Fabrication

swiss knife

2006-09-15T05:17:00.000-07:00

what can i say in four months that can be squeezed in four minutes. I am waiting for Sarah to get out lobster ready from the shop and then we are going to take the big guy to our fabulous shinding tonight! a barbeque to celebrate the one year anniversary of our fantastic motel.

it has been a great ride for the past year. I cannot believe time flies really fast. i mean it, really really fast. like it was only yesterday i was slaving away at my desk, doing the last thing i feel like doing. it is hard to believe that actually for some people, life do happen they way they want it to be. all it takes it some faith in yourself and hundred percent guts ans determination. i gather that those without guts live a quiet, safe life. well, it is not all that bad.

my brother and his wife gave birth to their second child, a boy with the hugest eyes ever!!! his name is Armin, and he's a cutie. i love him. mom emails me pictures, she came all the way from sydney to greet the newborn. Farah's jealous of the attention... its okay farah, i still love you.

i gtg. later@

corp

2006-05-30T07:26:00.000-07:00

operation turtle conservation is going well. Last night we did some fun fund raising.. it was a success! Thank god it was in tandem with the school holidays, sarah and me didn't expect it to be, it was seriously just our luck that we chose such a nice date to have all these fun activities.

So far we have raised enough to provide some good base for the incoming turtles and all the neccesities needed for the pregsters (pregnant turtles.) I've never been so occupied and harrased at the same time. This is like MY project, all done by me, andI'm totally involved and it is keeping me really busy. I've never had this sense of purpose all in my life at all. I've also turned golden brown from all the sun.

Rijal called and asked me when I'm going back. I feel like I won't. Sipadan has made me very calm and focused. I love it here. He's coming in August for the see-in. I can't wait to see baby turtles!

Oh, and I'm also sort of hooking up with this fantastic man, Brick. He's on a 3 weeks break from work, and takes his scuba diving seriously. At night on the beach under seriously starry stars, he lifted me up just as he lifted those heavy tanks, I swooned like you wouldn't believe. Everything was good. I went to sleep under his very very warm body, and wake up the next day, unbathed and hair tangled, working. This is life as a PR for a domestic motel in one of the prettiest islands. I love it here.

Also, I didn't tell you how terribly wrecked I was when the coral reef was striped bare, thank to idiots that acted careless. It was awful.

And, I quit school. More likely I took a very very long brek. Mom's not happy. Brother's upset. But I am happy. I've done enough of statistic and electricity to last a lifetime. I don't need a scroll.

slut

2006-04-25T23:14:00.000-07:00

yesterday I slept with someone.
We've been sleeping with each other for a couple of days now.
I don't know why I did that. Slept with him.

Regrets? No I don't think it's regrets. The sex were great. He was a great... everything.
I cried when he was on top of me. I miss azlan.it was just the right moment. he wason top of me, and i exploded.

anything i write down here might be too graphic anyways.

Woe

2006-04-17T00:58:00.000-07:00

I miss him and I want to die.

Sublime

2006-04-13T01:01:00.000-07:00

I don't understand people that take their family for granted. I feel I could say this because I don't have that 'luxury' - the luxury of taking your family for granted. I grew up with just a brother - and he's like more than a couple of years older than me so we didn't really connect. He's just randomly nice to me - the way you are nice to strangers or people you haven't hung out with in a long time.

I spend my adolescent in boarding schools, where I bonded with a couple of girls. Some of them are nothing but shithoes, but only a few that I cherish until now. Mew is one of them, and she's married and living in Bandung. Anne is another, she's doing her Masters in UK, the only one who's actually doing the applauded thing in Malaysian education (she's going to be a lawyer.) Meanwhile I am still tumbling over and under the ocean we call life, my studies is floating or hanging in the air, my future looks stormy or just uncertain, and I am still in doubt. I cannot believe this is where my life has come to at this age. Never would I thought that at this age, nearly reaching the golden 30, that I would be such a failure in the eyes of society - unstable 'job', single and without a solid education background - but at the same time I am proud of the outcome.

I am pretty much happy about where my life is now if you minus the impending gloom of my parents and peer pressures. Actually this is what I want in life, to be doing something I am passinate about, and treating everyone equally, and being a better person. My day job can be classified as the resort's PR person, but honestly I am engrossed in this turtle conservation project, and working with the Marine Conservation of Malaysia to save the environment and wildlife. This is so not where I thought I will be doing - I figured with my background I would be doing some technical stuff, but you know sometimes you just have to follow your dreams.

Relationshipwise I'm hanging on. I've been worse, but right now I am doing fine. I guess after a while the physical absence of the person makes your heart forget about the implication of what its doing to your heart. There are days that went by without me thinking about him, and even now when I do think about him it feels emotionless. I can't even recall the sound of his voice. I still do remember how he smells like, and the hardness of his body. It still is hard to let go, but I have no CHOICE.

Where was I? Yeah, I was talking about my family. I am not close to them the way you see some girls are close to their families. I guess for me friends are enough. But sometimes I yearn for that kind of connection, the way some of my friends are able to share their thoughts with their parents - and how the parents understand that. So it makes me upset when I see people taking their parents for granted, especially the supportive ones. It was hard growing up for me. Dad only cared about his business and his women and mom is just... mom. She has her own business too.

I'm happy here. I think this is it. I might stick to this place and make it my own someday. Perhaps it is time to start my life now, make my move. Education is important, but there's always time. For now, I'm going to focus more on what's important to me right now - kindness and the quality of life. Okay, I got that from the movie Patch Adams.

If any of you guys that stumbled uponthis blog wants to go to Sipadan, I'm the person you should hook up with. It is GORGEOUS and AMAZING and it is right in our country.

Americano

2006-03-22T18:17:00.000-08:00

Hi. Sipadan has the best shores ever. I'm being very biased.

I was thinking about my studies more often that I wanted to, which is irritating at the least. You are at a vacation (although, this cannot be constituted as one, I don't plan on moving as long as I'm content) and the last thing you want to think about it what you're going to do with your life.

Why do we have to have degrees? Well, that's a stupid question. Of course I want to have a degree. I want my kids to have a degree.

I think, that probably I made a huge mistake in terms of what I am studying. Well, not exactly. See, that's the problem with me, I am as indecisive as the person that died because he hesitate before he jumped. Damnit. I mean, I like what I am doing, but it is proving to be too much for me to handle. I don't know.

By the way, I am helping out with the operations around here. Matt and Sarah, these two Americans who has a PR in Malaysia took pity on the fact that I am sort of like a drifter and decided to test me out with their small low key motel management, Sandy Shores. Judging my lack of inhibitions with strangers, I am now their current PR person, and what a great life it is. Who cares about numbers and tensile strength when you have the gift of the fucking gab?

I have a year to go before I start school. I don't know. I say that a lot because that's what I feel all the time. I don't know. I don't know.

The worst thing about the job is when visitors leave the resort. I hate goodbyes of ANY sort. I hate it vehemently. Last night, three young students from Philippines left after a week's stay. Juariine, Mary and Karl. Both 18, and young. I love being 18 and 19 and the such. Mid twenties feels so old, damnit. They had diving license, so they dived a lot. But during nightime they helped out with the bbq preparations and stuff. We talked about everything that came to mind. It sort of reminded me of the stint I did in university, being a mentor to teenage kids. Except this time we were talking while getting high. Who cares? They're old enough to know that it's bad and good, just like I am.

I miss Rohana. I just do. We had great fun while she was here. With her I knew who I was, where I came from. In Sandy Shores, I am Lady, a cheerful, ready to help PR who blubber during sunsets.

Sarah's calling gtg.

so Much Closer

2006-03-10T07:51:00.000-08:00

I've always known there's something seriously wrong with me.

This Eve 6 song goes, "So Cal is where my heart states,
But it's not my state of mind."

It's not my state of mind either. Nowhere is. Everytime I am ina dark hole, I managed to run away. Guess where I am right now.

Guess.
It's quite amazing, this place.

I'm at Sipadan Island. Fantastic sand, amazing sunsets. One time I cried because the sunset made me feel very lonely. I sat on top of a lone rock, wearing a disgutingly big straw hat, and as the setting sun happens, I blubbered all the way. It also has something to do with the fact that I hate nighttime. It makes me feel really really lonely.

They have cheap booze here. Just like to point that out. My friend Rohana is coming over. With her new boyfriend, who she's dying to show me. He seems like a nice guy. I hope.

I might be here for a while. I have anice gig to do to tide me until I get myself into another ditch and really have to ditch harhar

Mundane Monday

2006-02-26T23:46:00.000-08:00

Today is a horrible Mundane Monday. I mean, Mondays are technically the worst thing that could exist in this world, but this one takes the cake.

Last night Rijal found his way through the flood that covered his whole home to drag me out of my ebb of misery. Talking about the flood, I am glad to know that my brother's house is not affected. I bet he is gloating with the fact that he lives up high in the hill. Mum called all the way from Sydney. Probably one of my nosy aunties told her, because Mum could not care less about the news.

Anyway I was drowning myself in beer and episodes of Project Runway. I didn't feel like going anywhere or doing anything. Rijal thumped and banged the front door so loud I had to open the door for fear of people thinking we're in the middle of the lover's spat. We went to the nearest jing bar within a walking distance. Yeah right. It took us 15 huffing puffing minutes to reach the Curve. I drank to my misery. Rijal watched me in wonder. He got angry after a while. He told me to stop it. Originally I was the girl that loved sympathy and attention, but right now I do not need him to tell me to MOVE ON because I feel like my heart's glued on the floor. Like concrete. I wish my heart's made of stone.

We ended up staying until 1 and then Rijal decided he wanted to play some snooker. I knew he was trying to cheer me up and doing a crap job at it. Seriously, I do not know what I want. But I said okay anyway, what else could I do? His girlfriend is in Bangkok covering the 50 cent concert. I think I asked her for some snazzy souvenir.

At home around 3 I cried on my bed and rummaged through my phone book, dying to talk to someone. In the end I called Rudy, and listened to him telling me about his new home and blablabalbal. He said I should come soon. Okay. I told him about MR CG (his name's azlan if you have to know so much) Rudy said that's too bad, he thought Mr CG's a nice dude. He said Misk saw him somewhere in the city. That means he's back and probably fucking that stupid young bitch. God I am bitter.

I slept at 5 yesterday and I woke up at 7. Hahahahahahha. Damnit. Tonight I'm meeting Rudy. Probably if I'm drunk enough I'll give him something he won't forget. He always have the hots for me. Whatever.

Rips in My Heart.

2006-02-22T23:35:00.000-08:00

Hi. This is me. And I just want to stop breathing and feeling. I am at my rented room in Malaysia. Not in Da Nang, not in Bangkok and definitely not in Bandung. I am alone and I want to die.

Everybody feels this. The heartache of losing someone that you don't want to lose. The pain is familiar. It is not uncommon. But the terrible thing about it is that that pain cannot be shared. I will have people telling me that they are going through the same thing, but even then I can't relate. I want to stop hurting. I want to stop feeling.

You know sometimes where you feel like as if nothing could not be more perfect? I was in the car with Mr.CG. We were together for almost a year and a half. In the car, I felt happy. I told myself, so this is how it feels like. I felt that then, no one could disturb this happy bubble that we were in, no one could make me feel more content than him. I love him. I do, so much, even until now.

It hurts when I see them together. It hurts even more to realize that he doesn't love me. He doesn't love me. 4 simple words. Lethal as fuck. What is it about her that makes him go away? Why do we have systems like this? Why do we have situations like this in the world? How many people before me have ever been left for another woman? How do they cope because I couldn't.

I knew I was a monster. But so were you. We both had our bad stuffs. We both have different perspectives. But we both worked hard for this. Why did you leave me? Fuck you.

I am swinging back and forth from loving him to hating him. Both are intense emotions. I feel so raw so raw so raw all the time. I am a peeled potato. Why don't you love me?

The thing about time healing all wounds is bullshit. BULL fucking shit. Time makes you unaware, but it doesn't make you forget. Time makes you feel accustomed. Time settles you the best it could. But it doesn't make you forget.

I am drowning my sorrows in tons and tons of beer. And smoking weed like crazy. They are the best. They are the best. Simply thinking about what they do to me makes me feel better.

I am on the way to being drunk right now. I would have if I didn't have to stop and cry every few seconds.

Agro Tourism

2006-01-25T01:28:00.001-08:00

One thing about myself, is that I'm not honest. No I take it back. I'm as honest as the next person, but I am not genuine. Yeah, I guess you could say that, I'm not genuine. That is what I am, for over 20 years now.

Sometimes I wonder when this self-inflicted facade will stop. I do want it to stop, but I don't see it happenning because it's already a vital part in myself. I've been faking it for as long as I could remember. Even to Boog, and he was one of the most important person in my life, and we dated for a long while. Even then, I lied.

Oh well, it is just this moment. I am having a slow day today. If you didn't already know, I've decided to take a year off from school, and work. Crazy eh?

Agro Tourism

2006-01-25T01:28:00.000-08:00

2005-12-15T18:12:00.000-08:00

I've never really understood the way a blog works. Am I supposed to be updating every single time? I feel bad for this you know?

I know I should have at least updated something when I was at Bali, or maybe when I was at Phuket. Tell you guys what's been up, to whoever who reads this anyway, I really don't care.

So for lack of nothing better to write, let me start.

-I'm back. From an amazing 2 months of being a Wanderer in familiar yet different places.
-I'm still with Mr. CG. Awesomely so, we're like a couple of lovesick 15 year-olds discovering feelings for the first time.

The deduction from the two above sentences is, we travelled together. Yes, me and MR. CG. After the tiff, he decided to take a break from his backbreaking job, came to my apartment, suprised the hell out of my housemate and proceeded to expose his undying love for me by...wanting to follow me travelling. I said okay, I'm a lost soul for the moment. School's out, I was jobless.

We went to Phuket, first, for 2 weeks. Then off to Koh Tao, for 1 week. He actually joined me playing the waves, I was truly touched. You don't get romance like that anymore. I love guys that make the effort to understand what you like, even if he hates it. MR. CG sucked at surfing. He really does. At night, in our cheap motel room, I rub his burned back and let him sleep.

We stayed at Bali for I can't remember how long, left 3 days before the bombing. Bali was amazzzzzzing. I love the labels they have over there. I love looking at teenage girls with sick hairstyle and ripped men with surfboards. I was practically happy just sitting there and looking at these hot babes. Mr. CG had a problem with his job, someone finally tracked him in and he had to do a serious conference call. He came back whipped, poor boy. We spend the day reading books by the beach, him telling me about the reincarnation of King tut. I LOVE it when he gets intelligent, nevermind whether it's true or not.

After a while we decided to do the unknown and headed to Vietnam, to Da Nang. That place was, whacked. I don't know. Maybe because we've always heard of Thailand and Indonesia, but never Vietnam, the people, I mean. We had fun strolling through their wet markets, just like the ones they have in terengganu and Kelantan. The beach were something to write about too. I loved it there.

I lost my iPod somewhere at Bali, and Mr.CG and I decided to share and buy another one. Our tastes in music are so different, we laughed for an hour trying to decided what to listen at night. He enjoys folk like Phish and liberated females like Sinead and PJ Harvey, including some new bands like ExplosionsITS, Kaiser Chefs and shit. Meanwhile, being the music dork I am, I like them bands in the 90's, Guns and Roses, Soundgarden and Rancid circa 1997.

We settled on Thom Yorke and PJ Harvey's The Mess We're In the whole time. Oh yeah.

Smogarsbord

2005-09-11T18:34:00.000-07:00

Whatever you know? This is all set. I'm going to Bandung at the end of the year visiting Mew who has just moved there with her husband. She says it is nice there, the beaches aren't Bali, but should I want to go Bali they'll take me.

I'll be lazying aorund their house for 3 months for my break, just having fun and helping out in the house of course. They'll even help find me some boys. I tell them to find one that has a lot of tattoos, because we all know guys like that will break your heart so I really don't have to anticipate or hope or anything. Hopefully I don't have to wake up in the middle of the night to hear them having sex. Mew tells me he's a raged beast between the sheets. Whatever.

Yesterday Mr CG gave me a call. He's in Johore, doing some crazy govermnet projects. He's shady looking a bit, haggard and having had lost a lot of sleep. He told me he misses me, but nothing's can be done. Things are compliocated once you get through the 3 months break. Nevertheless, I told him I miss him too, because it's true. He was the sexiest guy I've ever been with. Talking to him feel like having tantiric sex on the couch.

God, I should get dressed and head for lab.

What Have We

2005-09-02T18:06:00.000-07:00

One of my friends got married to this guy I have never met. She is my bestfriend. I didn't go because I was embarassed because her birthday was 2 months back and I didn't call her and wish her a happy birthday. On her wedding night I looked through an album of us, it made me feel sad to know that now she cares about this man more than she will ever care about me.

I'm at the final semester of my school. Time for the big world, they say. I have been bumming around with Rijal, playing pool in smoke infested rooms, not talking to each other until the wee hours of the morning. In each other we find comfort, in each other I find the strength to be okay again.

Love lost

2005-06-22T21:20:00.000-07:00

What they say about intelligence and the sex appeal. It's awfully correct, I have to say. The computer geek I'm dating? He's a sexy geek alright. I'm no bimbo, but I LOVE it when he explains stuff to me. About King Tut on the couch watching Akademi Fantasia. Marting Luther King's death while rock music were blasting in his car. Encryption and Decoding at TopShop.

When I look at him I feel like wanting to have sex with his brains. How could he not have hot chicks around him with the amount of sex appeal he has? Treem says if he were a Hollywood celebrity he'd be Sean Penn. Because Sean Penn's clever. I didn't think so.

"Fred Savage is clever, Treem. Not Sean Penn," I told him.
"Hey, we're talking about intelligence here, okay? Not some asshole who goes to Ivy League and haven't graduated yet. Sean Penn is an interesting guy. He has a lot of things to tell you, believe me." Treem waved his hand on my face.
"Yeah, sure, you're Sean Penn's best friend."

My semester is about to end. Finals catching up soon. I'm seriously broke, but righ in terms of life. I have a steady flow of friends, Mr. CG, and sometimes I go out and frolick at the beach. I'm thankful to be alive.

Remembering The Dead

2005-06-03T01:01:00.000-07:00

The brain dead, that is. What's been up, you say? Where do I begin? I just got back from yet another trip from Thailand. Been there a couple of times already, guess you could say that's not a new trip. As usual the beaches were amazing, the sun was just nice. I brought my awesome new black swimsuit, the one that's worn by Heidi Klum in the lates In Style issue... I'm such a fashion whore it hurts.

Oh my hair

2005-03-15T03:17:00.000-08:00

On the subject of my hair, I've been talking about my tress for a really long time. I had no idea I am that vain. I guess the female perception of beauty really lies in her crown. It's considered long now. When I go out and meet guys, I can finally do my signature head toss, circa 1999. I don't know whether I like having my hair long. I've enjoyed my short, punked out hair. Treem wants me to grow it long so he could do a really 'constructive super long' mullet. I'd seen what he had in mind and I couldn't wait to try it out. The problem is growing it out. It is a drag.

I couldn't part with my supercool dark purple Doc Martens. I know - they're so last decade but maybe that's why I love them. I've always been a sucker for retro fashions. Thing always come back cooler you know. I thought about myself back then, still an angsty teenager - and I thought how cool I was because I had principles and don't really conform to the vices.

Anyway the boots cost me about 70 pounds. I don't know whether that is expensive. I just wanted it so bad. The weather's extremely hot here, but I forced my feet to withstand the heat. Hey that rhymes. I strut alongside everyone else feleing totally cool, but I know everybody's laughing at me.

I am dating someone. He is a computer geek and has a short, clipped hair. I met him at Juan's party, with my boots and he was with his cousin. She was a hot babe. We chatted, and I was grateful at that moment for my hair, that I could do my head toss. It's such a silly thing but it pushes my confidence forward. He asked for my number. Normally, I would have asked for his number, but this time around, I'm letting the guy do al the stuff. He looked like the real Nice guy - the ones you always read about but never met. I just want to see if nice does as nice says.

He called me after 3 - THREE - days (a good record, but we'll see) and we went out soon after. It was a nice first date and he is a computer geek so I have to remember that he could bump into this space. But then again, I don't give the impression that I could string a sentence well anyway. I always came across as someone who's either a bimbo (when I had superlong hair) or a confused aging rocker (the mullet). So my writing space is safe with me.

I'm out. I need to pee.

AGES

2005-03-11T17:41:00.000-08:00

And I apologize for my lack of updates... to whom? I just got back from a teriffic 2 weeks break, off at London. Hell yeah. That gray country with smelly people. I bought whatever I could without sacrificing food money, and met up with Rudy and Jack. They took me around. Londond's neat, and the girls there are fashionistas... I wish I was better prepared.

I'm still jet-lagged. Write later.

between sunrise and sunset

2005-02-17T03:26:00.000-08:00

I am not dating anyone. And for that, I am lonely. Daniel Johns sang, "I don't want be lonely. I just want to be alone," and I wish I could echo that. But I am lonely and I don't want to be alone. Not right now.

Oh you aching heart. What's a warm body? What does it mean by 'dry spell'? Lack of fucking? What's the difference between making love, having sex and fucking?

"It's easy!" he says, jumping up and down on the bed, his body blocking and unblocking the sun's path to my face. "Fucking is uninhibited sex that carries no emotional pressure, almost to the point of brashness. Having sex is intercourse for two pencil-necked college professors who dine using forks and spoons. And making love is," he bends down, cups my face with his right hand and, ever so gently, burps.

I yelp, push him away. He giggles, high. "That's making love. Knowing that someone loves you enough to sample his ugly morning breath!" He shouts and makes an entrance to the bathroom.

Reveries like that are fatal and harmful. I miss all the guys I've been with, but I've never missed anyone enough as much as him. He was perfect in all the right portions - just charming enough, just cute enough, and extremely smart.

I'm burdened with work. And I have a lot of reading to catch up on, and I miss my girls. things are changing, and they are changing for good.

I need a man right now. Sometimes I just do, to help me go through all these changes. A man is a wonderful thing. They help give you strength whenever possible.

Ghost yesterday

2005-01-31T01:22:00.000-08:00

A few days ago I bumped into someone I never thought I would see again. Wearing a black v-neck sweaterwith torn jeans, that person was a picture of perfection. I was shell-shocked, but I managed to muster upa smile and a friendly, "Hey, how are you?"

Her eyes travelled up to meet my eyes. Ever the petite person, she was still someone that couldintimidate you. I've yet met another person who can outclass her strong fiery gaze. Bitches usually have that kind of eyes. Those unforgiving stares.

"Hi," she said slowly, a smile half-formed on her face. People were milling around us, we were at thisrestaurant that I usually frequent. But I'm a student here, I go to this restaurant like everyday. What was she doing there? I noticed a guy lagging behind us, and realized that she was with a company. "What are you doing here?" I asked, hoping that she doesn't notice my discomfort.

"Oh I'm just visiting my friends. Didn't expect to bump into you, of all places, here," she said. The dude stood there, not doing anything. And she wasn't about to introduce us either, from the look of it. I could sense the akwardness of the situation, so I excused myself. Glad to.

As I walked towards my friends, I fought the impulse to turn around and give her the last look. Was that her boyfriend? What happened to - erh - I'm not going to mention his name. Not when she's around the area, eventhough she can't hear my thoughts out loud but I just felt guilty and awful saying his name.

You see, they've been going out for almost a year when I got into the picture. But that's not how it was actually. I was always in the picture. We were friends even before she came along. I admit that I've nursed this crush on him, but that's normal. He was funny, he reads books, and he has the nicest pair of legs. When she came we were on the verge of confessing, right there. Then he saw her. Fuck, I always thought, why did we have to go to that stupid party?

But he liked me too. He liked her a lot, a lot. But maybe there was just something about me that he couldn't get with her. Maybe it was the fact that he had her, and he doesn't have me. Maybe he just like the fucking challenge, the tease. Maybe he's a twat. But I acknowledged all the maybes, once, and didn't think about them again. I wanted him. I got him.

Turned out it's not as easy as that. She was devastated when she found out. And the worst thing was that she cried in front of me. I'd gladly have her swing her fist at me, or call me names or get her posse to give me nightmares for the rest of my life. But she cried. The heart-wrenching ones I really couldn't stand because I'm a soft-core person. I wanted to kill myself.

And I stopped talking to him. Didn't answer his calls, avoided him whenever I could, didn't give him no space for explanation or confrontation, didn't give myself the chance to lash out to him or whatever. Because it wasn't all his fault. I was the cocktease. And I sure as hell avoided her like crazy too.

Until last Friday.

Sparkle

2005-01-30T01:51:00.000-08:00

Ben Stiller's character in Reality Bites: "Have you ever felt that at one point in life you're completely happy? Just at one point, you feel as though your life is okay?"

I echo his words. Only I wish it happens to me more often. I always thought that I'm like, one in a million person who feels that, that I must be crazy for having that one-second feel good feeling, and it was a relief to be watching a movie and having a character to describe it so perfectly.

It could be anywhere, anytime. Like some unknown dirt particles, it hits you gently and you realize, "Wow, I'm so perfectly content right now. Life is GOOD." And then it goes.

Just like that. I like the fact that it keeps me on my toes, but hate it because you always miss its presence on bad days. But knowing that I will always get the feel good showers once in a while is a good enough reason to stay happy in life.

Grand Tourismo

2005-01-14T01:39:00.000-08:00

I'm at the library. I should be mucking up for the upcoming quiz, but my concentration's gone.

I'm sitting next to this girl that I've been eyeing for quite some time. I am not a lesbo, but I have girl crushes just like the rest of you guys. You can say that I like being inspired by girls. There was this one time I bought a pair of sandals exactly like the one a girl in my subway has. I once read a book that I spied a cool girl in my Art class read.

I like having girl crushes. It gives you the motivation to become a better person, fashion wise, mentally, emotionally and physically. I call them role models to someone not open enough to hear about my 'girl crushes'.

The girl besides me is an avid library goer. She must be a junior because I have only recently seen her. She has long flowing black hair, skin the color of confused tan bottles - not that brown, not that light brown. One of her eyes is slightly smaller. She has big boobs, and a slender frame. I don't like big boobs but she carries them well. She wears the same sandals every single day, everytime I see her on the library. Her fashion sense's simple, but given the place we're at now I understand why. You can tell she's actually stylish from the bits and pieces she has - her bowling shoes she wears from time to time, her cool graphic art pencil case, and her totally DIY file folder. I could tell she's serious about her studies.

I have always wanted to be someone I'm not. Not to say that I don't love myself or hate my life, but other girls' life always intrigues me. Maybe it's the fact that they are not me, thus entirely different. Or maybe the have a different fahsion sense than I do, therefore cooler, or read the kind of books I've never heard of, hence more intelligent, or listen to bands I'm unaware of, making them cool groupies of yesterday's past.

This girl is put together. I don't know what kind of music she listens to, or what books she likes to read, though I caught her going through the fitness section a lot, and how she is like. Well, I don't want to know how she is like, it always kills the fantasy. But I know she's dedicated to her studies, unassuming with a pretty smile. I like watching her, in a non-sexual way I have to add. I love guys and what comes with them, mind you.

I have to go before she starts to get wrong ideas.

Scary Pretzel

2005-01-05T20:16:00.000-08:00

What an intro to 2005. Five minutes ago, I saw my housemate getting it on with her current cutie on the bed. MY bed.

I should have known it when I saw his pants on the living room sofa. But they were quiet, so I thought nothing was going on, perhaps maybe he had to do a number 2 so bad he couldn't wait to ease off his pants.

The first thing I saw when I opened the door was his butt. Almost pockmarked, but strong, like he'd just been working out. Then again, he was working out, he was pummeling into her. Then my eyes focused on her legs flailing, and before I ran away I threw my book at their direction.

Ran. Hid. I heard them scurry and scuffle.

Right now I bet they're still doing it, with less noise. Nice. I'm not going to do the laundry she has to clean her own mess. Oh well, but I'm tired, I just got back from class. I might as well just jump in and forget that they ever did it on my bed.

I'll clean it tomorrow.

Twenty-O-Five

2005-01-02T22:03:00.000-08:00

Third day of us living in 2005, and I'm back again to my books, getting ready to face the bullshit test papers and cynical lecturers. It's been good, my holidays. I'd ended a relationship, surfed the best waves, had a fling with a young dude, worked in a barbershop, and perfected my pool table skills. Plus I had also gained a new friend and comrade, Treem, my hero extraordinaire.

Along with gaining a new friendship, I've also gained weight. It's not a problem to me as my hair is longer now and resembles some sort of an 80's Kate Moss wind swept hair, and I have a nice sun-kissed tan, so the extra padding gives me a good curvy figure. Badrul told me that I look sort of like Salma Hayek, if you squint your eyes hard enough.

I'm taking Pyschology this term. It should be good, one thing I'm looking forward amongst my science-infested subjects. I've always liked human behaviour especially the non-equality between genders, why that goddamn thing is such a fucking mystery, an infinity. I like relations and metaphors, which is the main reason I took up Cultural Anthropology last two semesters, eventhough I sucked at the final papers.

I saw the skinny boy at school yesterday. The one i bumped to at some party last year. He looked kind of cute. Probably a year younger, but that's never bothered me. He could make this semesteran interesting one. After that two year relationship trip, I am so through with serious commitments, for now.

I want to flirt and be flirt right back. I want to be 20 again. Not where I am now, totally ready and totally ripe for marriage and full time job. Urgh. Them 20 somethings don't know how incredibly lucky they are. Now all I worry about is the lines around my eyes and how I can't run as fast anymore, and the guys I knew are agonizing over thinning hair.

Think age is just a number? Think again.

Tina Robbins

2004-12-20T19:01:00.000-08:00

Yesterday at work everybody had something to say about Suzy. Apparently, Treem's convinced her to follow us back home. She's a student of the FIT (I'm impressed!) and taking a time off from school. Hence, hanging out with the surfers - since they all do nothing but take a time out!

This younger guy, his name is Nadzri - 'but people call me yee' - and me had something going on too, you could say. Treem thought it was funny, that I'd just gotten out of a very tumultous relationship and jumped ship on a younger man's boat. He was forever making awful remarks when we joined him, stuff like, "Let's treat our women with drinks. Oh fuck, you have to be 21 to be legal." Thank god it was just a casual fling or else I'd be really offended.

Anyway this yee guy - he was a goner right away. Maybe that's why I wanted him. I wanted a mindless gateway and that's what I got. Can you imagine being as young as yee - 20 and not having a direction in life? I don't know what younger girls are made of these days but I surely hope that they're made of money coz let's face it, these guys aren't going to support you anyhow.

Fuck. The roomate's calling me and I have to go.

Waves

2004-12-17T18:17:00.000-08:00

This is a quick update. I am at the East Coast with my ever so loyal hairstylist cum friend cum boss for a quick weekend gateway - each for his/her own. I've been dreaming of a nice surf session and told Treem all about it and he decided to follow to see if he can pick up chicks on the way. 6 hours later and a hotel room check-in, Suzy appeared. Nice Chinese girl.

I met a couple of people I knew briefly last year, hung out with chief or fondly known as Papa Reggae to a lot of young people. I met this group of boys in their early twenties (actually, all of them are 20) and one of them gave me the dibs. I like younger guys. Always have.

I burned my ex-boyfriend's picture with a lighter. It was fine and I'm getting along and of course I miss him, but I don't need to see his picture and get all sad.

I'm starting to burn. I've NEVER burn in my entire life. I must be getting old. I looked at those boys and I'm dying to be 19 again.

Going back late tomorrow.

KAtuu

2004-12-15T01:14:00.000-08:00

I was just thinking, if meteorites crashed on Earth and the byproducts are lakes... are those lakes extraterrestrials?

I read a cool book that I've had since ages about aliens and it turned out that there's this one lake in Chile, high up in the Andes that was believed to be created by a meteor crash, a meteor that is believed to have come from the fifth planet.

In the present state, the fifth planet from the sun is Jupiter, but between Mars and Jupiter is an asteroid belt. The author is wildly postulating, but he wrote that the asteroid belt is what remained of the original fifth planet, before it exploded about ten thousand years ago and send a couple of good sized rocks on Earth.

Scientists vetoed the idea, saying that the base of the lake is highly magnetized, making it possible for any living things to evolve.

But what if the entire fifth planet is magnetized? And its organism are in fact, alive in the lake? It is said that even until now, there is no evidence of living things (on this planet) to be found in the lake. No fishes, nothing.

Interesting ey?

Treem was annoyed that I chose to read the book during my time at his barbershop. If given a choice, I'd wanted to set the book aside on a cutomer's lap and read it while I shampoo, but that'll get me fired.

The job's okay. I get paid by cash ever Sunday so it is more than good. My boyfriend is still in town. He has another production gig in two weeks time.

December is coming to a close. Last night it rained. We sat huddled under a warm blanket at the balcony of his apartment, looking out at Klang Valley nightlife. I said, "What's the most important thing you feel you have to do before 2004 goes?" and he said, "Breaking up."

I didn't probe him. My silence was a nod of my head, and instictively we both knew what was coming. Even at 19, I never wanted a relationship or a commitment of any kind. Now a couple of years later, I still feel the same. I have a lot of things to achieve, and I'm still too godamned young to be tied to anyone.

The candles on the bedside table burned out not soon after, but it was hot and heavy all through the night.

vertigo lust

2004-12-13T04:32:00.000-08:00

I haven't been able to write in here because I can't bring myself to.

The past few weeks have been wild. I mean that in the emotional sense. My boyfriend finally comes back from his production job and we got to spend some time together. Remember, this is the one that I had doubts about.

I arrived back home to find a nice bouquet of blue roses on the table where my housemate likes to eat her Maggi Kari while talking to her boyfriend. I was suprised, not because he wasn't the type to give flowers, but because I was the type that don't like romantic sentiments, and he knows it. But I reacted the way any other girl would.

I lifted the flowers up and sniffed them. They smelled lovely.

He came back last last Friday. We spend the weekends eating in and playing Xbox, where he beats me in everyone of his ridiculously stupid man games. I treated him to a nice face mask.

We didn't have sex. Although we could have. But the topic didn't come up. I wondered if he was getting some back where he works. I heard that things can get pretty wild in some production house. Being stuck with the same hot chicks day in and out. You'd have to be crazy not to be getting some pussy.

I wondered was it because of my refusal ages ago. I am a self-described prude, and yes they still exist and they are still living it out loud. It happened when I was at high school and was arguing with a friend about the values of a relationship when there's no sex involved, and had gotten so heated. A relationship can survive without sex, at least, until you're married. I believe in my religion, and just because I decided to wait doesn't make me any less of a typical modern KL girls.

I think the whole world's gotten crazy. Nowadays it's a blasphemy if you don't have makeout sessions or don't take illegal substances or drink and drive. No wonder people in religion are getting their brains fried. Especially the Arabs. You can painfully see their confusion.

Anyway, I don't do drugs or drink because I think it's not necessary. I don't get people who does, but I'm not vocal about it. I don't have sex because I value mental orgasm than anything else. But I still watch porn and have sexy conversations with my boyfriend. I think he took it real hard when I refused that night.

I was wearing a fucking Big Bird underwear.

Anyway on a Wednesday night we went out and had dinner and I suddenly felt horny. I haven't seen him for ages, and with all my doubts about the relationship it adds up to this whole lust. In the car in front of my house I gave him the biggest hickey ever. I'd never done that. In fact, kissing to us is special like the President's Birthday. I didn't know what hit me. He smelled wonderful and I love how hard his chest muscles get when I'm breathing down his neck.

As I got out of the car, I think I definitely did it because he was getting some sex at work. That'll do him.

nwhat's this?

2004-12-02T16:52:00.000-08:00

Hung out with my hairdresser yesterday. Actually, he cuts my hair and I love him because he's actually a fledgling DJ, and a closet rocker poet. He writes cool haikus about ripped hearts and asshole girlfriends, and I love his tattoos.

We sat at the edge of the building smoking, waiting for our movie to start. He touched my ends. "Hey your mullet's looking cool."

"Yeah well, you know to whom I'm grateful for." He gave me my mullet.
He smiled, "I know. You're welcome."

My hairdresser has big curly hair that's so famous nowadays and a nice tattoo on his skinny bicep. He just broke up with his girlfriend (Swanda from Switzerland) about two weeks ago and he's burned. Personally I think Swanda's not interested in his journey as a DJ. I don't either. There's nothing more depressing than being a DJ. I hate electronica and those jinjangs beat. They're so... all over.

But he's helping me to get a job. Nothing much, just helping him around at his barbershop. I wouldn't want to be a shampoo girl, so he says sweeping the floor and arranging magazines and getting bottled water would be nice. I'm cool with it. Eventhough I still have to pay for my own haircut. But at least he's giving me a divine 'do and I'm getting paid.

"How are you holding up?" I ask.
He shrugs. His hand makes a so-so motion. "I'm doing fine. It comes sometimes, it goes most of the time.
I pat him on the back. "That's my boy. You be strong now okay?"

Our movie will start in five minutes. We lean against the ledge in a calm silence, both looking out at the Surf Pool, our thoughts drifting in opposite ways. I think how coold it is for me to be hanging out with a guy who does my hair, and be able to share a smoke, and I feel so content right now.

I like moments like these. I hope it happens often.

Dodgy Mullet

2004-11-18T08:41:00.000-08:00

You know... if I had a dollar for every minute I spend waiting for this damned blogger to load (while staring at the monitor at that), I would be able to buy myself an issue of InStyle. Then while it loads to another page I could read through the whole issue, and mind you, InStyle is thick.

I have a mullet hairstyle. Stop trying to hide your smile behind your hand, and let out your belly-aching laugh because I've heard it a million times: mullet is dodgy and heinous. 5 back to back issues of Glamour have mullets on their Don't lists and I've read countless of times how awful that hairstyle is. noone encourages it.

Having a mullet is like having AIDS. It kills, silently, and slowly.

But I digress. I am a fashion concious gal (I really am!) and while I believe in being trendy, sometimes you can't never follow the crowd too much. For once, I like my hairstyle. So the media coined it as dodgy... but who died and made the media King? Who said that whatever any fashion magazine say is fashion overkill is TRUE?

No one defines style other than yourself.

Yes, I sound a little bit defensive, and it's because I'm tired of having people point at my hair and say, "Geez woman, do you know you have a mullet?!" If only I could respond with, "GOD! So that's what been growing on my head. Gee, thanks."

Despite what the fashion says, I think a mullet hairstyle is rockin, and not because I am sporting it. First of all, it is unisex. Never has a hair that looks good on a man looks even better on a woman. Secondly, it is easy to style, and plus it's an all-rounder. you can style it to look demure at traditional wedding parties, make it look edgy at some gig shows, or have it look sleek at some fucking job interviews. And lastly, if you want to be fucking unique, there you go. A mullet is the answer. If having a hairdo that people laugh at isn'tunique, I don't know what is.

Enough about hair. I'm going to continue studying, and hope I don't flunk my paper tomorrow.

strata strata

2004-11-07T21:48:00.000-08:00

This is out of musicdork;

I notice that whenever I'm going through a heartache, I always listen to Nick Cave. His guttural voice, on rotation, 24/7.

I always pull the blinds, put Nick Cave on low and wished I had a cigarette to smoke. Instead I stare at my ceiling, not really seeing anything but his face, and my pain. I lay there on the floor, motionless and numb, letting everything wash through me.

People will think I look stoned. But actually that's how I recuperate, that's how I mend myself back together. All that 4 hours of staring lazily at the white washed, not really focusing at the moving fan blades, sometimes seeing his name. It's not really a walk in the park, or to be more accurate, not really as lazy as it seems.

It takes a lot of effort. At least for me. I think about you, and how crazy it is that in a short period of time you had me wrapped around that calloused finger of yours. If love isn't blind, I'd sock it to the ground. But I have conscience.

I just don't have him.

Yes.

Ally Anyone?

2004-11-03T08:02:00.000-08:00

I noticed that lately I have this strange habit of imagining funny things happening while I'm in the middle of a serious situation.

Like today, my roomate started her (and my) day by telling me that she and her boyfriend have decided to call it quits. Needless to say I was shocked and probed her with questions. She began to explain.

I listened sympathetically and gave my 2 cents where it fits. After a few minutes of back rubbing and a bit of ,"You're going to be okay. Hang in there," I deemed that the conversation is over thus I can go back to my fourier Series and study my ass out.

Wrong.

My roomate apparently, was not out of her analysing mode. She kept on staring at the floor as if gathering her thoughts, then proceeded to tell me bits and pieces of yesterday's conversation and/or her doomed relationship.

It went like this;

Her: See, I've always known that this won't last long... bla bla bla,
Me: *forcing myself to look up from my book* Hmm, yeah. I know...

Silence. I took that as a sign that she's mulling with her own thoughts and went back to my notes. Then,

"But I was never sure, because he was really attentive the last time we were together..."

I looked at her face the whole time she was yakking, and entertained myself with the mental picture of me giving her a slap yelling the words SHUT UP SHUTP SHUT UP! I nearly laughed out loud.

Plus she has a corny way with words. One time she said, "Im angry at myself for being such a fool for love," and I practically saw a group of dashing guys chorusing, "Fool! for LOOOVEEE!!!" next to her bed.

Another time it was, "I told myself that enough is enough. You know, I'm the kind of person that has a limit, when things break the limit, I tell myself enough is enough," and I could hear the KRU brothers singing, "Enough is ENOUGH!"

Her: I'm not hesitant to say enough is enough -
The KRU brothers: Enough is ENOUGH!

Seriously, I was trying not to burst out laughing.

Dirichlet Cond

2004-11-01T22:23:00.000-08:00

I'm just taking a break from maths. I have 2 more days before the paper and I'm taking it quite well.

I used to hate maths because I never get good grades for it. I guess I still do dread the subject sometimes. Numbers don't intrigue me they way words do.

But I like it when I'm doing well for it. Like right now. Fourier series kicks ass, and right now mine is sore from troubleshooting the problem.

I read in a book somewhere that the number phi is the most beautiful number in the whole wide world ever. For those of you who don't know, phi equals 1.618. The value is so perfect and pretty, that it is also dubbed as divine proportion.

The reason? Because it seems like everything in this world when taken by their ratio equals 1.618. The easiest example for the skeptics would be finding the ratio between your head to your toe and your navel to your toe. The answer would be 1.618.

The ratio between the female honeybees to male honeybees in every single beehive in the world will always be 1.618.

Amazing isn't it?

Not to Cecil Adams. There are two answers and explanations to everything. Remember that.