Mundane Monday

Today is a horrible Mundane Monday. I mean, Mondays are technically the worst thing that could exist in this world, but this one takes the cake.

Last night Rijal found his way through the flood that covered his whole home to drag me out of my ebb of misery. Talking about the flood, I am glad to know that my brother's house is not affected. I bet he is gloating with the fact that he lives up high in the hill. Mum called all the way from Sydney. Probably one of my nosy aunties told her, because Mum could not care less about the news.

Anyway I was drowning myself in beer and episodes of Project Runway. I didn't feel like going anywhere or doing anything. Rijal thumped and banged the front door so loud I had to open the door for fear of people thinking we're in the middle of the lover's spat. We went to the nearest jing bar within a walking distance. Yeah right. It took us 15 huffing puffing minutes to reach the Curve. I drank to my misery. Rijal watched me in wonder. He got angry after a while. He told me to stop it. Originally I was the girl that loved sympathy and attention, but right now I do not need him to tell me to MOVE ON because I feel like my heart's glued on the floor. Like concrete. I wish my heart's made of stone.

We ended up staying until 1 and then Rijal decided he wanted to play some snooker. I knew he was trying to cheer me up and doing a crap job at it. Seriously, I do not know what I want. But I said okay anyway, what else could I do? His girlfriend is in Bangkok covering the 50 cent concert. I think I asked her for some snazzy souvenir.

At home around 3 I cried on my bed and rummaged through my phone book, dying to talk to someone. In the end I called Rudy, and listened to him telling me about his new home and blablabalbal. He said I should come soon. Okay. I told him about MR CG (his name's azlan if you have to know so much) Rudy said that's too bad, he thought Mr CG's a nice dude. He said Misk saw him somewhere in the city. That means he's back and probably fucking that stupid young bitch. God I am bitter.

I slept at 5 yesterday and I woke up at 7. Hahahahahahha. Damnit. Tonight I'm meeting Rudy. Probably if I'm drunk enough I'll give him something he won't forget. He always have the hots for me. Whatever.

Rips in My Heart.

Hi. This is me. And I just want to stop breathing and feeling. I am at my rented room in Malaysia. Not in Da Nang, not in Bangkok and definitely not in Bandung. I am alone and I want to die.

Everybody feels this. The heartache of losing someone that you don't want to lose. The pain is familiar. It is not uncommon. But the terrible thing about it is that that pain cannot be shared. I will have people telling me that they are going through the same thing, but even then I can't relate. I want to stop hurting. I want to stop feeling.

You know sometimes where you feel like as if nothing could not be more perfect? I was in the car with Mr.CG. We were together for almost a year and a half. In the car, I felt happy. I told myself, so this is how it feels like. I felt that then, no one could disturb this happy bubble that we were in, no one could make me feel more content than him. I love him. I do, so much, even until now.

It hurts when I see them together. It hurts even more to realize that he doesn't love me. He doesn't love me. 4 simple words. Lethal as fuck. What is it about her that makes him go away? Why do we have systems like this? Why do we have situations like this in the world? How many people before me have ever been left for another woman? How do they cope because I couldn't.

I knew I was a monster. But so were you. We both had our bad stuffs. We both have different perspectives. But we both worked hard for this. Why did you leave me? Fuck you.

I am swinging back and forth from loving him to hating him. Both are intense emotions. I feel so raw so raw so raw all the time. I am a peeled potato. Why don't you love me?

The thing about time healing all wounds is bullshit. BULL fucking shit. Time makes you unaware, but it doesn't make you forget. Time makes you feel accustomed. Time settles you the best it could. But it doesn't make you forget.

I am drowning my sorrows in tons and tons of beer. And smoking weed like crazy. They are the best. They are the best. Simply thinking about what they do to me makes me feel better.

I am on the way to being drunk right now. I would have if I didn't have to stop and cry every few seconds.